New Thoughts (5/12/01)
How well I remember when my then-girlfriend had first returned to the Lord, and came to tell me of my need. Oh! How little did I want to hear this! Oh! How good I thought myself. "What? I'm not a good enough guy for you? Am I not good and kind and loving?" And contemplation really didn't do anything to change that view of myself, for contemplation alone cannot pierce the heart's deceptions. I thought I was doing ok. I didn't commit any major crimes, nothing that would really hurt anybody. And even reading the Bible was insufficient to put aside these feelings of sufficiency. Surprising, isn't it? I could look at all that that fine Book had to say, and still come away from it thinking I was doing just fine. Going to church didn't suffice to change that view. No. One could easily survive that environment with no more than a thin mask on. Put up the front, put up the defenses. Enjoy the music, be amused by the antics, and glaze over at the preaching. This is what it was about for me. This was a small tax I needed to pay on my time to make my girlfriend my wife. Small price, that. But when God finally becomes real (as if He was ever anything but real), when it finally sinks in that this is no game, then things start to change a bit. No, I still wasn't ready to admit that I wasn't what I'd thought myself to be. But, He had my attention. And He was kind enough to send the Holy Spirit to this job site. The truth of His Word began to sink in ever so slowly. And I do mean slowly. It's taken years to penetrate through the walls I'd built around myself, and is doubtless still breaking through others I haven't noticed yet.
What turned the corner for me was when I moved from reading the Bible to really studying the Bible. I mean, really trying to grasp all I could of what was being said in its pages. Oh, the change in perspective when I really began digging into 1John! Here was the apostle of love, wasn't all he ever said about love? You bet. But what tough love! It seemed I was constantly being kicked about as I worked through his letter. Thanks be to God that He inspired John to balance the tests with assurances, else all hope would have been dashed. Indeed, when I'd finally decided to understand that Law, instead of just reading the surface of it, it proved, as Mr. Clarke points out, to be a straightedge exposing all my crookedness. How quickly self-righteousness fades away when put to the test! How firmly one is driven to his spiritual knees, when once he sees that all his efforts are as naught before the Righteous One. When once God gets us to look honestly at ourselves, we cannot but be truly humbled. Pride may not be removed, but it will ever more be suspect when it rises within us. He may not bring us to perfection in this lifetime, in fact, I rather doubt He will. But He most assuredly will keep us ever mindful of the perfection we haven't reached yet, and ever hungry to get there.
Yet, there remains a further realization. The first step towards salvation came with the realization that we weren't as secure in our goodness as we thought. When we recognized our failures, immediately we saw the need for change. But what did we do with that? What did I do? Typical man that I am, I began trying to fix it. I began trying to be a better person. But I was still doing it on my strength. I was bound and determined to redeem myself in His sight. How hard it is to come to the realization that having once failed of that law, no future compliance could put aside our guilt, as Mr. Henry points out. How hard it is to stop leaning on our own efforts, to come to the place where we stop working and allow God to be God. "Only when these humiliating conclusions are accepted and felt, [the universal nature of disorder, guilt, and condemnation, and the impossibility of self-justification,] are we in a condition to appreciate and embrace the Grace of the Gospel." Thus, as we've seen before, the full understanding of the Law; of its purpose, of its full import, and of its limitations: the realization that the Law properly understood will show itself an unattainable goal in our own power, this is a necessary knowledge for us. We can't attain to God's kingdom without that knowledge, because we'll never truly seek the one path that leads there until we gain that knowledge. And, as I begin to see it now, even the epignosis degree of knowing won't suffice. It can bring us a fair distance to know, it can change us to the point of seeking. But I begin to feel that even this requires a further step, it requires the stopping to meditate, to really dwell on what we've come to know. It requires allowing the Holy Spirit to bring the full flower of the Truth to mind. This is why change and repentance require a stopping from work, a resting in the Lord. Not only is He the only one that can bring true change, but we need that quietness in our lives to hear what the Spirit is saying. It's not so much the rest of downtime that we need, but the quietness. We've lost the contemplative moment in the business of our daily mess, ever moving from task to task to task. At home, at work, at church, even at play, we've become too busy to absorb the significance of anything. God help us.
Lord, I pray that You would teach me to come to those stopping points. I pray that You would help me to move even beyond what has been coming from these times of study, from the new times of teaching. I pray that You would move me to a new place of thoughtfulness. I pray this for my family, for we've all become addicted to busyness. Oh, we have our day of rest on Sunday, but it's a hollow thing, a stopping in exhaustion, rather than a stopping in thought. Help us, oh Lord, to stop and not just smell the roses, but think about them a bit. Help us to cease from gathering more information, and absorb and understand all that You have already told us. Help us, as a church, sweet Jesus, to stop doing, doing, doing; to put aside our programs and agendas, and allow You to lead in the joyful dance of this life. After all, if You don't lead, we'll do no more than step on each others' feet. Give our leadership the space to stop and listen to You. Lord, give them a space to step aside from the constant pressure of the shepherd. Give them a time of retreat, to rest in You, to lie back and listen joyfully to Your voice, to return to the joy of first love.